Between the super-storms and snowpocalypses we've endured in recent years, it might be tempting to presume we've seen the worst of nature's fury. But the stunning recent weather events in Los Angeles force us to briskly reconsider any relative sense of safety we might have enjoyed. I'm referring, of course, to the hitherto unknown and terrifying weather phenomenon called the sharknado!
With forecasters now calling for a potential sharknado touch-down in New York City, the time has come to prepare for the onslaught and formulate our contingency plans! With that in mind, I present to you The Top 5 Ways to Survive a Sharknado:
5. Find Tara Reid and 90210's Ian Ziering in a hurry! If the emergency du jour is an alien infestation, you'd better hope Sigourney Weaver is on your speed dial. But when sharks start falling out of the sky -- let's face it -- this pair has the unique practical experience you need to survive.
4. Whirl-up an Orcanado! I can't promise this is possible, but under the circumstances it might be worth a shot. Find the nearest hurricane, whale-nap a giant pod of orcae, and then hire some storm chasers to coax a tornado into the path of the cyclone. With suspended disbelief, and a little luck, the two mammal-toting 'nados may collide, reversing the feeding frenzy back onto the sharks and saving the day.
3. Blast some AC/DC! Break out your 1980s boomboxes and dusty cassettes, and "Let There Be Rock". Anecdotal evidence suggests that AC/DC's music is aural kryptonite against a shark's aggression (true story!). If you're not keen to test the theory yourself, get someone else to volunteer. Now that's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"!
2. Get Yourself to Aquidneck Island! Although no place can offer complete safe harbor from an approaching Sharknado, Aquidneck Island is the ideal place to stand your ground. Our quaint cobblestones and narrow streets could seriously slow them down, our amazing eateries will keep you fueled-up for the fight, and our ready fleets of pedi-cabbers and rental scooters are standing by to whisk you out of harm's way. You'll bask in timely reassurance as survivors of the '38 Hurricane scoff: "ya cawl this a stawm?" We boast able marine defenses in the hands of our honored Coast Guard and Navy personnel, and we would of course mount the canons anew at Forts Adams, George, and Hamilton. What?… no EZPass? You can still flee the island by sea if need be; ideally with the very capable captain at On Watch Sailing.
1. Practice more ways to move! Truth be told: none of the above tips will do the trick on their own. At some point, your quest for survival is likely to come down to some form of hand-to-fin combat. To stand a fighting chance, you're going to need more ways to move. Since you've never-before dodged a Great-White projectile falling from the sky, only in that split second will you discover whether a Salsa side-basic or a downward-facing dog offers the ideal means of sidestepping a far-flung man-eater. Fortunately, FloorTime Studios recently opened its doors at 1038 Aquidneck Avenue (2nd Floor) in Middletown, RI; and it just so happens that FloorTime's entire mission is built around offering you more ways to move!
You can pump iron until the cows come home, but unless you possess the well-rounded combination of strength, agility, balance, body control, and endurance that are efficiently attainable through Rhode Island's only SURFSET Fitness program … no offense, but my money's on the shark. I'm told these Sharknadoes can linger for a while, so you'll be glad you worked more cardio into your training with FloorTime's SURFSET Burn and energy-packed ZUMBA classes. Coordination and agility are honed in all their facets through FloorTime's complete array of social dance classes spanning ballroom, latin, country, & swing. Balance, flexibility, and focus are enhanced through beginner-friendly yoga and SURFSET Balance sessions. Try the SURFSET Build class with Alessandra, and you'll be ready to hurl those sharks straight back out to sea. And in SURFSET Blend, you might just learn a life-saving move that's appropriately called … the shark kick!
Finally, the looming threat of a sharknado reminds us all to embrace joy in our lives while our skies remain marine-mammal-free. With economical multi-class packages that cover all the various and joyful pursuits listed above, FloorTime Studios looks forward to welcoming you to Aquidneck Island's brand new place Where Dance, Fitness, and Fun Collide!
Shark-warriors-in-training, please take note: For the remainder of July, please enjoy your first dance or fitness class with FloorTime Studios as their very welcome guest! For SURFSET sessions, it is recommended to call or text in advance to reserve your board: 401-633-5626.
